The one question experts say every couple should ask to stay together

Is Relationship Maintenance Really Necessary?

If the New York Times can come up with seven key questions to help keep couples closer, surely it’s not such a stretch to apply that logic to our own relationships. This isn’t just another set of feel-good conversation starters: two leading Belgian relationship experts have weighed in, and their advice is anything but mechanical.

The British chef Nadiya Hussain, for example, takes the pulse of her relationship every day. In a recent podcast, she described how her husband sometimes rates his day as a nine out of ten, only for her to come back with a six—“because he was a bit grumpy in the afternoon.” It might sound a tad extreme, this almost-instant feedback, but as Alfons Vansteenwegen, relationship therapist and author of Staying Connected, argues, regularly touching base could be the real key to making love last.

“When you’re in love, everything seems effortless, but no matter how compatible you are, there will always be differences. You have to learn to manage them.”

Vansteenwegen, who has seen up to eight couples a day throughout his career (that’s well over two thousand couples!), knows precisely how crucial these check-ins can be. Living together might make us feel like we’re sharing not just a life, but a brain… but mind reading, sadly, remains in the realm of science fiction. As Vansteenwegen points out, “We’re all constantly changing, so an update is needed from time to time. Especially since conversation between partners can dry up the longer they’re together.”

The Case for Subtitles in Love

Katrien Koolen, relationship therapist and author of Love in the Tropics, takes the comparison further:

“We know what our partner looks like, their body language, and we interpret every sigh or frown. But is our interpretation correct? Couples spend lots of time apart, and each of us lives inside our own mind and body. Sure, it’s nice when your partner knows how you take your coffee, but it’s better to stay open to the fact that our thoughts and feelings are always shifting. Honestly, a relationship is a bit like a Chinese movie—you think you’re following the story, but it’s only when you read the subtitles that you realize you’ve missed half the plot. As a couple, you have to regularly provide those subtitles for each other. You keep discovering each other; you’re never fully your partner, you become more so every day. That’s why it’s important to regularly check each other’s temperature. Sometimes a simple ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ is enough. Sometimes it takes more.”

The images we have of our loved ones can solidify over time. Vansteenwegen notes:

“It can go quite far. Sometimes, couples who’ve been together for years will say to the other, ‘You say white, but I know you mean black.’ When in reality, sometimes the person really does mean white! We build up images of our partners that may not match the truth.”

Why Emotional Distance Creeps In

Koolen warns of the risks when couples stop updating those internal subtitles:

“People often say they grew apart, as if it’s something that just happened to them—not a process they played a part in. But in reality, distance creeps into your relationship if you don’t really seek each other out and talk about what matters. In a couple, there are two ‘I’s, and to make a good ‘we’ out of it, you need to stay in tune with each other. Otherwise, you can be sitting together on the same couch but be miles apart emotionally, with no bridge connecting you. No, you don’t have to have heavy therapy-style conversations all the time, but you do need those subtitles. Without them, you miss too much.”

Making Time for Meaningful Questions

So, how can couples keep their connection alive? According to the New York Times, answering seven specific questions together might just do the trick—provided you can agree on the answers! But even more importantly, Alfons Vansteenwegen underlines that relationships require us to take them seriously and carve out quality time. “Probably yes,” he says regarding scheduling regular ‘question sessions.’ « Today we live life at a hundred miles an hour, so we have to set the scene for a real conversation, or else we just won’t talk to each other any more. » His tips? Get off to a good start, prep a little, make sure you won’t be disturbed, establish eye contact, and talk about one thing at a time.

Of course, as Katrien Koolen notes, between young kids, job stress, or obligations to older parents, heart-to-hearts don’t always come naturally.

“You’re busy, sitting next to each other on the couch, but you’re just too tired to have a proper conversation. Or maybe it just feels impossible when toddlers or teenagers are around.”

She suggests flexibility:

“Sitting at the kitchen table with a ‘relationship homework’ assignment doesn’t always work. You might find it easier to chat during a long car ride, a walk, or while tidying the garage. Sometimes, doing something physical helps ease the tension.”

Sometimes, you might need to wait until you’ve sorted out your thoughts or feelings—but don’t leave it too long. Koolen shares a vivid metaphor:

“In therapy, I use the example of purple trees. You start with a little purple tree in your mind, you say nothing, but week after week you keep adding trees, and suddenly your partner is hit with an entire purple forest. That’s unsettling for the other person. It’s usually not a big deal that your partner is a bit different from what you imagined, but discovering big changes out of the blue raises tough questions: Who are you really, are you someone else than I always thought? That can be very disturbing for couples.”

So, don’t wait too long before giving your significant other an occasional glance under the hood—or rather, into your mind and heart. After all, those are the engines of a lasting relationship.